Yum!

I had a craving for ice cream last night and we don't have any in the house.  I try not to keep unhealthy/fattening stuff (you know, yummy stuff) in the house because I have absolutely no will power.  None.  Nada.  If it's in the house, I will eat it all, immediately, no matter how bad I know it is.  I know I mentioned in an earlier post that I was doing Weight Watchers.  Did you notice that I really haven't mentioned it since?  That's becuase I'm not doing it anymore.  I can't stand constantly counting points, so I'm just keeping the bad stuff out of the house, trying to eat smaller portion and more healthy stuff.  Last night though I needed ice cream. I don't know why ( and no I'm not pg) but I just needed ice cream.  A LOVES ice cream so I knew all I had to do was mention it to him and he would ask if I wanted Coldstone, to which I immediately said yes, of course.    There is one right down the street from our house so he went out and got it. 

A thinks I'm totally boring when it comes to ice cream but I love chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.  So I told him that I just wanted a small, to try to be good about it, and I knew he would also get a small because he actually has willpower.  So even though he wants the ginormous size he would get a small.  When he came home he had a big bag and was smiling at me in a very suspicious way...that would be because along with our ice cream, he got these.

So what exactly are these you ask?  These are sweet cream ice cream, sandwiched between to chocolate chip cookies then rolled in crushed white and milk chocolate.  WHAT?!

So, seriously, yummy.  But, what happened to the part about trying to be good?  That's gone out the window :-(.  Plus A is leaving again for a trip and will be leaving me alone with 4 of these remaining in our freezer.  I dont' know how I'm going to make it!  It's not fair that he gives into a splurge and I end up taking on all the calories!  I told him this and he said it's payback for pregnancy.  When I would be starving and absolutely have to have something extremely gross and fattening.  Then I could only eat like 3 bites of it and he would "have" to eat the rest.  I guess I'll give him that one.

Any suggestions on how to forget about the deliciously yummy cookie ice cream sandwiches in my freezer?  My goal is to only eat 1 maybe 2 of them while A is gone, but really, who am I fooling...

I love visitors! (and visiting!)

It has been an eventful week here!  Last Saturday A and I took N up to visit my college friends in Boston.  Unfortunately we couldn't see T, P and their son A because of a stupid disease.  I have to say that this is the one part of parenting that I was NOT prepared for....the sickness!! I'm not even having to go through it, but I can't imagine being T right now and handling it.  A got Hand, Foot and Mouth disease at daycare.  He was pretty much over it by the time we were coming up but T (yes, his mom) got it!  I didn't know adults could get it and because she still was contagious, we couldn't see any of them.  It totally sucked because we were looking forward to getting A and N together.  Our little boys have never met and I haven't seen A in forever.  Hopefully we can find some time in the next month or so to get back up there and get the little ones together!

Despite the H, F &M disease issue, we had a great time visiting everyone.  I got to see S who is 20 weeks pregnant now!!  She looks so freaking adorable with her little baby bump.  It almost makes me miss mine.  Almost.  Visiting makes me miss them all so much more!  I miss having friends nearby that I can visit with and vent to.  I am very lucky though to have the friends I have, near or far. 

So that was the visiting part and as much as I LOVED visiting everyone in Boston, I'm even happier that my parents came to visit us this week!  Right now they are visiting other friends in the area but they drove up Sunday from SC and were here Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.  On Tuesday we visited my grandmother up in Hartford.  She just turned 93 and is doing great!  I just wish we could get her to stop driving...  Anyway, she is doing well, which is wonderful and she loved seeing N.  It's been great having my mom and dad around because I miss them so much.  They are coming back tomorrow to stay until Sunday morning when they will drive back.  It makes me sad that they can't see N more often, but I swear he recognizes them from when we were there over Christmas.  He's constantly laughing at my Dad and loves playing with and snuggling with my Mom.  It makes me so happy to see them with him. 

That's the reason I have been MIA lately though, so much visiting going on I had to take a break from my online social life.  I promise I'll be back though, whether that's a happy or sad thing I'm not sure.  For now I'm just going to enjoy my family and I'll see you guys when I see you!

MAJOR Slackage...

Ok, so seriously, I've been the worst at updating the past week.  I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that I'm sick again.  Luckily this time N is not (fingers crossed that sticks) and A has actually been HOME!!  So the past few days I've missed my little monkey because I've just been feeding him and handing him off to A to avoid getting him sick.  I can barely look at him while he's nursing because I feel like I'm breathing germs on him.  A has been AWESOME.  I can't say enough about how wonderful he's been.  He got up at night everytime and only got me up if N was hungry.  He took N to daycare and picked him up every day, he played with him and did all of the bedtime routine, again, only making me help out to feed (which is because I'm nursing).  I know I complain about him sometimes but I couldn't have married a better man!  Now that I'm feeling much better of course he has to travel a bit but that's ok.  I'm just going to keep trying my hardest not to get N sick and pray that this was the last cold of the season! 

This whole week though has made me totally jealous of people who feed their children formula.   Since I'm nursing, I could have A give him a bottle of milk that I had pumped instead of waking me up.  But I'd most likely have to wake up anyway to pump so that my supply kept up.  If N was taking formula, I could have just had A give him a bottle without having to worry about pumping, or my supply or getting up or anything.  It got me thinking about weaning N. 

I always said that my goal was six months and that after six months I would start to wean him.  After a while I said I would start giving him a bottle of formula at 5 months so I could have him weaned by like 7 months.  Well, we're at 5.5 months and no formula yet.  We are doing solids, he loves some Sweet Potatoes.  He gets solids around lunch time and dinner time every day.  He still is consuming just as much milk though.  So I'm still pumping 4 times/day to get 3 bottles/day for N.  Sometimes I do get extra.  I am still able to get a bag or two extra each week.  So I have no supply issues although I HATE...HATE...pumping with a passion.  I'm tired of washing pump parts and sanitizing them and bagging milk and trying to do all of this around the classes I teach online.  Thank god I don't teach through video conference (only audio) because my clients would be seeing way more of me than they need to.  I feel like that's not a good enough reason to wean though. 

But I have all these little selfish reasons that I want to quit:

1) Drinking. I would like to be able to have more than one glass of wine without worrying about pumping/nursing
2) I hate pumping
3) I want A to be able to feed N without have to use up my milk supply/or pumping so I can sleep and he can take some of the load off me
4) I want my boobs back
5) Drinking...wait did I already say that?? Oops. (I'm not an alchy I swear)
Then I start thinking about all the pros of nursing:

1) The price is right!
2) My body makes enough milk (which is huge, I know I should be grateful)
3) N is good at it  ( again huge and I'm extremely grateful)
4) Always the right temp
5) No harder to prep for daycare than formula (other than the pumping). 

Then comes what I think is the weird part of my thought process.  I feel like by stopping BFing, I'm taking something away from N.  He likes to nurse, it calms him down, he snuggles up to me.  He likes bmilk.  What if he doesn't like formula!  I feel like he would be sad.  I know it seems completely irrational to me but I really think that.  I don't want him to be sad or miss nursing or think I'm punishing him for something...ok that last one I doubt he would think, but that's where my mind goes.  This is actually the HARDEST thing about weaning for me to get my mind around. I don't want to make N sad.  All the other stuff, the price, the warming the bottle, the prep I could care less about.  I know that N is also good at taking a bottle and just because my body is good at making milk doesn't mean I have to do it forever.  But the making N sad thing KILLS me...

Now after all of this I have come to the conclusion that if I'm having so many doubts, I'm probably not ready to wean him yet.  I'm slowly preparing myself for it.  I know I will miss it because I do enjoy nursing him and the closeness (and convenience) but no matter what I will have to stop nursing eventually.  I'm not into extended bfing and don't know if I can really make it a year, although you never know.  A year is my ULTIMATE limit though. I'm guessing I'll get about 9 months in and then be done.  I have to say though I never thought I would be this conflicted about it.  I knew that I would get attached to it, I knew that there was a closeness, a bond that you create with your child while nursing that would be hard to break.  I just didn't think it would be like this...I just thought I'd be sad.  I'm not sad, but I can't say that I won't be when it comes time.  I know though that I'm not ready yet, to break that connection.

The reason I avoid having A cook if at all possible....

So just a little background.  When A and I were dating, he had a ton of frozen food that his mom had made him and brought down the last time she visited.  She is a caterer so it was all amazing.  AMAZING.  Her food rocks.  So between that and the few times A actually cooked for me, I swear he knew what he was doing in the kitchen.  Now, I'm not saying I thought he was all gourmet or could cook just like his mom but I at least thought he knew what he was doing.  Lately, I'm not quite sure.

I've been exhausted this week.  A and I have been fighting a little so we've been up late (because god forbid we fight before 10:30 at night and we can't go to sleep angry).  Nothing big really just stupid little stuff because we are both tired and cranky and ready for winter to be over so we can get out of the house more, etc.  So we take it out on each other because there really isn't anyone else.  So on Tuesday, I forgot to take something out to defrost for dinner.  There were leftovers to eat and I just wanted a cheese sandwich anyway so I told A he was on his own for what he ate.  The man made himself 3 packets of oatmeal and heated up some leftover steak.  Ummm....seriously??  So whatever, I didn't say anything b/c I didn't have to make it so what did I care.  Yesterday I took out chicken tenders (raw, not frozen pre-breaded stuff) and he offered to make dinner.  Awesome!  Anytime I don't have to worry about it is fine.  So I hear him getting everything ready, I know that he is going to grill (yum!) so I go into the kitchen to get some water and I see him breading the chicken.  So I said, "Oh, I thought you were going to grill."  "I am"  he says.....

Huh?  Oh god.  I should have known better than to let him cook.  I'm now having flashbacks to the night about a year ago when he made rotini, mixed with rice-a-roni and bratwurst.  No.  I'm not kidding.  Yes.  It was disgusting.

So I very nicely said, "Isn't the breading going to burn?"  "No, it won't"  OK.  So at this point I have given into whatever is coming and I just go with it.  I notice that he has the frozen mozzarella sticks from the freezer out and thought, well at least I'll be able to eat those and the leftover veggies he was going to heat up, I made so I knew I'd be ok....

About 15 minutes later, in walks A with a pile of charred mozzarella sticks.  HE GRILLED THE CHEESE STICKS.  I mean really.  REALLY?!  Who does that!  So I ate one or two, generously covered in marinara to hide the charcoal taste and waited for the rest of this disaster to begin.  So in he walks with the grilled, breaded chicken tenders and the leftover vegetables, which he also somehow managed to grill.  Apparently, the microwave and the oven just aren't for him.

The veggies weren't bad, I mean, I like grilled veggies so no big deal there....  I'll also give it to him that the chicken wasn't completely burned or totally gross.  Only slightly.  But that's only because the parts that weren't burned were where the breading had fallen off completely.  Thank GOD for ranch dressing.  I smother the chicken in it to hide the burned taste (healthy right? so much for WW) and ate what I could.  I woke up this morning starving.

So I have to give it to him.  If his intention is to never have to cook. He has done a fine job of convincing me he shouldn't.  While I appreciate dinner being made for me, is see his ulterior motive and will give into it if it avoids anything like this (or the bratwurst incident) happening again...

Awards? For this? Really?

OK, so I never really thought that I'd get nominated for venting online and to be honest, I don't follow many blogs other than Miss Shizz who nominated me.  She makes me smile!  http://babyshmizz.blogspot.com/
Thanks Shizzle!  So, like I said I don't follow many others but here are the rules and few that I do.  They may already be nominated but WTH.

Rules of Acceptance:


1. Place the logo in a post or on your sidebar.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Pass the award on to 4-6 bloggers who brighten your day.
4. Link the nominees with your post.
5. Let the nominees know they've received the award by commenting on their blog.


So let's see...who brightens my day on a regular basis?

Madison's Mama over at http://raising-madison.blogspot.com/

Krystal at http://tiealittleribbon.blogspot.com/

Abby's Mommy at http://365daysofbeing30andamommy.blogspot.com/
 
Miss A over at http://mollybrynn.blogspot.com/  I'm in love with her little girl
 
Finally Blair at http://theheirtoblair.com/
 
I don't check all of these very often but when I need a smile, this is where I go.  Thanks again Shizzle and let me know how today goes!!

I'm FREE!!!

It was 50 degrees today.  50!!  Do you KNOW how WARM that is?!  It was like summer...ok, not quite summer but seriously.  I haven't gone for a walk with N since November.  I haven't gone for a walk alone since November.  I haven't really been outside, more than to get to and from the car, since November.  Early November.  That's 4 months...4 months, of being inside.  Remember too, I work from home.  So my universe has really been home, home, daycare, home, grocery store, home, daycare, home.   Even N was longing to get out...

So to be able to expand our universe to the outdoors again was AWESOME.  N and I went for an hour walk around the neighborhood today.  It was wonderful.  The fresh air was so awesome and N loved it.  He was amazed by everything we went by.  He was quiet the whole time.  Just looking around.  I swear that kid takes EVERYTHING in.  He absorbs everything around him and I'm convinced that one day he's just going to turn around and blurt out something like "Oh hush, doggy! We're just walking by" because that's what I say to barking dogs.  He looks like he is concentrating so hard on seeing it all.  I wonder what's going on in that little head of his.  When we got back, he took an hour and a half long nap, which he rarely does in the afternoon.

I really hope this weather stays.  I realize that I chose to live here in New England.  I lived in the south, in the warm, sunny weather for a long time and I didn't like it.  So I chose to live here, but one of the reasons that I love to live here is I love ALL the seasons.  I love the snow in the winter and the quiet it brings, I love the spring with the rain and the flowers and the green.  I love the sun in the summer and going to our house in NH on the lake and the BBQ's with friends and family.  I love the fall with the vibrant colors and the smell.  There's just something about the smell of fall.  I have loved this winter, but I would be very happy for it to be over.  It's time for spring.  For flowers and t-shirts and rain showers and perfect weather and new babies (nieces to be exact!) and birds and green trees.  I'm so ready.  I hope today's weather was not a tease, I hope that the snow is over for this winter and that the nice weather is here to stay. 

Ah, the penis....

That little piece of the male anatomy that us ladies have enjoyed so many times, but that turns us as parents into blubbering idiots.  So badly so we can't even say the word!  We call it a winky, peepee, weiner, weiny, willy, doodle, privates, potty-parts, tinkler, etc. Anything to avoid saying the word penis....but I don't really know why?  Is it because as adults, knowing that the penis is not only for going the bathroom, but is also for adult only activities, that we feel dirty saying it to our children?  Is it because we feel it is inappropriate for a child to know that word because, heaven forbid, he repeat it in public and it's not really a public topic?  Is it that our thoughts go immediately to having "the talk" which is all around uncomfortable for everyone?

Either way, N has found his.  I noticed yesterday in the bathtub that he had his hand on it for a minute and was looking at me smiling but he didn't leave his hand there or grab at it, he just started splashing again and that was that.  Then again tonight I noticed it except this time he was pulling on it and trying to look at it.  My first reaction was to move his hand then I realized that I don't move his hand when he's pulling on his toes, and while this is a more private area, he needs to explore it and be aware of it all the same.  My next reaction was to say, "Is that your peepee?"  Then of course, I rethought that as well because it got me thinking about why I don't just say the word penis.  What is so uncomfortable about it? I don't make up a funny cutsie name for his fingers, or cheeks or feet.  So I looked at him smiling at me and pulling on his penis and I said "that's your penis!" and he smiled from ear to ear and then started splashing again.  Even after saying, I still felt weird about it for some reason.  It's like it's ingrained in me that calling it anything other than penis, is less inappropriate than calling it by it's actual name. 

However uncomfortable it is for me I plan on continuing to use the proper names.  Who knows, may when N gets to kindergarten he'll be like that kid in Kindergarten Cop who constantly tells people "Boys had a penis, girls have a vagina!"  but I see no reason why I should teach my kid something wrong from the start. 

And if anyone has any insight in to why we do this, why it's so uncomfortable, please!  Comment away!  I'd love to know why....

Once again, I've been slacking

So yes, once again I have been slacking.  I have posted since last month!!  I can't believe it is already March and that in 3 days N will be 5 months old.  Seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting on this couch, feeling (and looking) like a beached whale, begging N to come out! The last 5 months have been wonderful.  I love my little monkey more and more each day.  If you had asked me the day he was born if I could ever love him more than I loved him at that moment, I would have said no.  I also would have been wrong.  Its ridiculous how much I love this kid.  Even when he is snotty and crying and I've got his cold, and he won't eat but he's hungry and he wants to lay down but then when I put him down he wants me to pick him up and when I pick him up and sit down he doesn't want me to sit he wants me to walk and then when I walk he wants to play so I go to the living to put him down so we can play and then he wants to eat and ....on and on it goes and every moment of it I love him more and more!  Yes it's gets frustrating and tiring but then you look at their face and fall even more love.  I don't know that I knew THIS meaning of the word love until I had N.  I knew other meanings but this one, this one is a whole new world.

Another word I didn't know the meaning of until N came along was the word tired.  Yeah, if you had asked me before I got pregnant what it meant to be exhausted, I would have given you alot of examples.  There were plenty of times in college and after where I pulled all nighters either to study (rarely) or to party (often).  At the time, I thought I was exhausted.  I didn't realize though that usually at some point soon after I had the time to make up the sleep.  True exhaustion is when you don't even know you are exhausted until you sit down and realize that you haven't slept more than 3 hours in a row in months, then you have to get up again.  I look back at when N was 3 months old and happily sleeping through the night.  I was so smug thinking what an awesome kid I had that had been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old.  Then the 4 month period kicked me in the ass. Karma came back at me for mentioning to a coworker (whose daughter is 2 months older than N and has NEVER slept through the night) that N had been sleeping through the night and was so amazing.  I didn't realize at the time that I was bragging and being obnoxious but I realize now that I was.  Not necessarily obnoxious to a normal human being with plenty of sleep but to a Mom who truly is living the meaning of the word exhaustion, I was being a bitch.  (Sorry J).

The sad thing is that even now, I can't put tired into words.  Either there are no words to explain how tired I am, or my brain is so exhausted it can't think of them.   Either way, I'll take it.   I would take learning the true meaning of the word exhaustion anyday if it comes along with learning this awesome new meaning of love.  It's so much more than worth it...