So yes, once again I have been slacking. I have posted since last month!! I can't believe it is already March and that in 3 days N will be 5 months old. Seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting on this couch, feeling (and looking) like a beached whale, begging N to come out! The last 5 months have been wonderful. I love my little monkey more and more each day. If you had asked me the day he was born if I could ever love him more than I loved him at that moment, I would have said no. I also would have been wrong. Its ridiculous how much I love this kid. Even when he is snotty and crying and I've got his cold, and he won't eat but he's hungry and he wants to lay down but then when I put him down he wants me to pick him up and when I pick him up and sit down he doesn't want me to sit he wants me to walk and then when I walk he wants to play so I go to the living to put him down so we can play and then he wants to eat and ....on and on it goes and every moment of it I love him more and more! Yes it's gets frustrating and tiring but then you look at their face and fall even more love. I don't know that I knew THIS meaning of the word love until I had N. I knew other meanings but this one, this one is a whole new world.
Another word I didn't know the meaning of until N came along was the word tired. Yeah, if you had asked me before I got pregnant what it meant to be exhausted, I would have given you alot of examples. There were plenty of times in college and after where I pulled all nighters either to study (rarely) or to party (often). At the time, I thought I was exhausted. I didn't realize though that usually at some point soon after I had the time to make up the sleep. True exhaustion is when you don't even know you are exhausted until you sit down and realize that you haven't slept more than 3 hours in a row in months, then you have to get up again. I look back at when N was 3 months old and happily sleeping through the night. I was so smug thinking what an awesome kid I had that had been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old. Then the 4 month period kicked me in the ass. Karma came back at me for mentioning to a coworker (whose daughter is 2 months older than N and has NEVER slept through the night) that N had been sleeping through the night and was so amazing. I didn't realize at the time that I was bragging and being obnoxious but I realize now that I was. Not necessarily obnoxious to a normal human being with plenty of sleep but to a Mom who truly is living the meaning of the word exhaustion, I was being a bitch. (Sorry J).
The sad thing is that even now, I can't put tired into words. Either there are no words to explain how tired I am, or my brain is so exhausted it can't think of them. Either way, I'll take it. I would take learning the true meaning of the word exhaustion anyday if it comes along with learning this awesome new meaning of love. It's so much more than worth it...
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