Warning: Attention Whore moment...

So I'm sick.  Again.  Just a little cold, but still a pain in the ass.  A is traveling.   Again.  It's Sunday, which means tomorrow is Monday.  Again.  I'm gaining weight.  AGAIN!  So, I've decided to start back on my own modified Weight Watchers program.  Modified as in, I'm not paying for the online or the meetings I'm just doing it on my own.  All of the information is out there on the internet so why waste my money?  So to kick off my first week back on the WWWagon, I decided to go for broke and make a recipe that would help me out the rest of the week.  Even with A traveling, it's Sunday so I didn't have much to do and N can keep himself occupied for 10-15 minutes at a time so I had the time.  I knew it would be a challenge because I have never done it before and even with a recipe I'm not always the smartest cook (as illustrated by some of tonights events).  So what did I do you ask?  I roasted a chicken.  Yup, that's right a whole chicken all by myself. 

So here's how the whole thing went down.  I did 2 weeks worth of dinner planning before I went to the grocery store yesterday.  That way I knew what to buy and I didn't have to worry about A coming home and looking at me and saying "what's for dinner?"  Which is always exactly what I want to hear after having a crappy work day.  The recipe called for a 3.5 lb roasting chicken.  Since I was planning on using some of it for recipes throughout the week, I bought a 6.5 lb chicken. 

So today, while N was taking a nap, I looked at the recipe and planned everything out.  I usually don't eat until after N goes to bed.  Especially when A is gone I just find it easier to not have to worry about dinner until N is asleep. Plus during the week I don't get N from daycare until after 5 and we start bedtime routine around 6:45. I like to spend all the time I can with him, not trying to cook dinner.  So I planned it out around his bedtime.  The cooking time was divided 30 mins then add some liquid, turn the oven down and then another hour.  So I planned it so that I added the liquid right before we start his bedtime routine, that way when I came down from getting him to bed, it would be almost ready.  So that was my first mistake.  If any of you cook or have roasted a chicken before, or if my friend S is telling her hubby M about this, he/you are probably noticing a problem with the cooking time.  Yeah.  The RECIPE said 30 mins then another hour. But if you remember correctly the recipe also called for a chicken about 1/2 the size of the one that I actually was cooking.  So it took a LITTLE bit longer than I thought (like another hour).  Whatever, that I could handle I was just so proud of myself once it was done. 

So, who can tell me what my next mistake was.  Come on, somebody can.. Yup!  That's correct.  I roasted the damn thing upside down.  Now, I could totally play that off because I have seen on Food Network, some chefs recommend that.Yeah.  It was totally NOT on purpose.  I'm just an idiot and put the freaking thing in the pan upside down.  I didn't even realize that I had done that until I started to cut into it.  Even as I took this picture, my dumb ass had no idea.  Really though, who does that! I think you can all see why roasting a simple chicken is such a big deal to me!  Apparently I don't even know a chickens ass from its breasts.  I will say though, despite its position, the chicken was ridiculously moist.  So, I moved onto the gravy which is my favorite thing when it comes to roasting anything.  After I had put the chicken on the platter and taken a picture to send to my sister (she's a REAL cook, see http://www.prettygirlsuseknives.com/ she's the triple threat) I poured the juices into a sauce pan.  I skimmed alot of the fat off (this is a Weight Watchers recipe after all) and turned the burner on.  The recipe said to bring it to a boil then add the dissolved corn starch into it.  So I turned the burner on medium high and put a lid on it to speed up the process.  As I was putting the lid on it I heard N cry out and went to check on him.  Then comes mistake number three.  I had intended to put the lid on only part way, to keep some heat in but avoid it boiling over.  I apparently, did not do that.  Apparently when I put it down I put it ALL the way on.  So in the 2 minutes I was upstairs checking on N (who by the way, just needed his paci and he was fine) it boiled over.  And by over I mean ALL OVER.  I came down and it was covering my stove, the counter next to my stove, the cabinet fronts and all over the floor in front of the stove.  There were probably about 3 inches of liquid in the pot to start and about 1/2 an inch left when I got back.  Awesome.  So I did make a little tiny bit of gravy, which was still delicious, but I had to clean up my kitchen first. 

I may not have eaten until 8:45 at night, after cleaning my entire kitchen but in the end I had a delicious meal of Garlic Roasted Chicken and Gravy with Green beans.  I now have the chicken bones and wings and thighs in a pot ready to start some chicken stock for soup tomorrow.  That, I know I'm good at.  Despite the mishaps I'm still quite proud of myself.  I was, as the commercial said "Roasterphobic" and now I have faced my fear, destroyed my kitchen and my reputation (since I posted my stupidity online) but am not longer afraid to Roast a chicken. 

:: takes a bow::

Thank you and good night.

PS:  It's a really good thing this was a WW recipe, because I was so frustrated I ate 5 Chips Ahoy as well.  Way to get off to a good start right?

Freaked the fvck out!

So I've been pumping since I went back to work.  Same diet, same times, same beverage intake, same everything.  All of a sudden this week my supply has TANKED.  Now, by no means do I have a low supply.  I'm usually still able to get at least 3 ozs per pump and most of the time around 5.  Up until now though I was doing the same 3 pumps/day and getting 6-8 ozs per pump!  So to drop to 3-5 sucks.  N eats 7 oz bottles, so I'm freaking out about keeping up.  We're planning on starting at least one bottle of formula soon, because we want to wean him around 6 months.  Mostly for my sanity.  I'll be happy if I can make it the 6 months and that's that. 

It has been so ingrained in me though that BFing is best that I started to freak out when my supply started to drop earlier this week!  I literally started going over my diet, my lifestyle, N's schedule, my schedule, etc.  Everything.  I went out and bought everything that's recommended to increase supply, oatmeal, Mother's Milk Tea, Fenugreek, etc.  I have no idea if they will work because it hasn't even been a week, but we'll see.  Either way, earlier today I was looking at Kellymom.com and found reasons your supply can drop.  I went through all of them and none of them fit.  There was only one that I wasn't sure about.... pregnancy.  It said clear as day "Pregnancy can cause your supply to drop because of the hormones".  I immediately thought, Fvck No.  I am NOT ready to be PG again and if I am, I'm going to throw a shit fit (and of course be excited, but the shit fit will come first).  Now, I became even more convinced that I was PG because I haven't had a cycle yet because of breastfeeding so I have NO idea if I've ovulated.  I'm on the mini-pill which is not the most reliable bc and I was peeing constantly.  Ok, seriously, If I had really thought about it the most I could be was 4 weeks preggo, but once I get something in my head, I'm so always rational. So within an hour of reading this information I was in a full out freak out.

So I called A who was at work and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on the way home.  He laughed at me but indulged me and picked up a digital test. As soon as he walked through the door I handed N to him, grabbed the CVS bag and ran into the bathroom.  I POAS(pee on a stick) and then sit there and wait.  The whole time A is looking at me like I'm nuts.  I should probably add that we have done "it" a handful of times since I had N (getting back on the horse has not been easy for me mentally or physically) so it was definitely unlikely that I would be pg but I couldn't think of anything else that would cause this issue with my milk supply! 

After what seemed like a million minutes later it came up and said "NOT PREGNANT".  I smiled and looked at N and said "OH thank GOD!  I'm so not ready for another one of you yet!" He laughed like he understood and I relaxed a little and enjoyed the rest of the evening.

I want 2 more kids. I am NOT however ready for the next one just yet.  I need time to feel like a normal human being again. I need my boobs back.  I need to get my mind back.  I need to get my sex life back. I need to have at least one night to go out and get completely plastered.  I know that sounds so totally selfish but it's true, those are the things I need before I'll be ready to get pg again...oh, well and I guess there are the non-selfish things too, like having enough money etc. 

I'll worry about my milk later.  If my supply rebounds awesome, if not we start formula a couple weeks earlier than expected.  As long as N gets the nutrition he needs and is happy and healthy, I don't care if it's formula or bm, but like I said I'll worry about it later.

For now, I'm celebrating my big fat negative with a big fat glass of wine.  Cheers!

A new little bundle added to my friendfamily...

My friend C had her little baby girl last night.  I haven't heard much about the whole process, but I know that she went to the hospital on Monday night and was sent home early in the morning Tuesday.  Later on Tuesday I got a message that she was back in the hospital and was getting ready to push, then a couple hours later, the first pic of beautiful Miss Abigail!  When I got the text message from my friend T that C was at 10cm and ready to push, I have to admit to a wave of jealousy.    I never got to that point, never got to push, and as painful as I know it is, I still wish I had experienced that. I never shared my whole birth story so I thought I would share it now, regrets (if you can really call them that) and all.

At my 40 week appointment I was really no where 0 cms dilated ("I might be able to get the very tip of my finger in" -my OB) a tiny bit effaced, -2 station.  Nothing.  I knew I was going to be late, my mom was late with all 3 of us and I know that doesn't ALWAYS mean that's how it would be for me, but I wasn't hopeful that I would be on time.  We agreed that we would let it go another week and at 41 weeks we would induce.  I didn't really want to do that because my sister had been induced which had ended in an emergency c-section so it made me really nervous.  The doctor assured me though that we really didn't want to let it go past 41 weeks because then the baby could be in danger.  So we actually went ahead and scheduled with the hospital for Sunday night of week 41 to have the misoprostal inserted.  Now, I swear on my childs life that my OB said that we would go to the hospital, they would put it in and we could go home.  I swear.  So does A.  We were both planning to be home in our own bed that Sunday night.

So week 41 came and went and Sunday came so we called the hospital and they told us to come in at 6:00.  We came in, went to L&D and they got us into one of the rooms.  We started talking to the nurse about what was going to happen and after that she said, "OK, I just need to get you all admitted and we'll be ready to get started"  At which point A and I both looked at each other and I said "wait, what?  Dr. Soandso said I'd be able to go home"  She laughed and said, no and I really don't think you'll want to. 

So we got me all checked in, A actually went and got me something to eat since I quickly realized that I hadn't eaten dinner and once this party got started there was no chance of me eating again for a while.  They actually changed from doing Misoprostal to Cervadil.  They inserted it and I almost immediately started having mild contractions, which was interesting because it's really just supposed to dilate/soften your cervix, not start contractions, but whatever.  No big deal, the most uncomfortable thing was going to the bathroom and trying to make sure not to knock the Cervadil out.  So we went all night long with that and around 9 am they took the Cervadil out and checked me again.  I was a whopping 1 cm dilated.  Whoopie.  So my doctor allowed me to take a quick shower and walk a little bit then at 10 am they started the Pitocin to start contractions and hopefully dilate me further.  Now, they inserted the Cervadil at 9 pm and I started having contractions right away.  By the next morning I was still having them and they were much more uncomfortable. Still about 4 minutes apart.   A couple hours later, I was at 2 cm.  Then a couple hours later I was almost 3 cm.  Then it stopped.  Not the contractions, not the medicine, just the dilating.  24 hours after the Cervadil I was at 3 cms, 2 station, but was almost completely effaced...and still contracting every 4 minutes and they were STRONG.

Around 9 that night, my doc came in and we started talking about the options.  1. Stop the pitocin, go home, take a break, try again in a couple days.   2. Stop the pitocin, sleep, start again in the morning.  3. Break my water which should speed up the whole process and get things moving.  Worst case scenario (according to Dr.) was that after 24 hours we would have to have a c-section.   At this point I had been in labor (although apparently it doesn't count as "in labor" until the contractions are 3 minutes apart.  You can kiss my a$$ on that, I was in labor) for 24 hours and I was a little on edge.  Not too bad.  A said he kept waiting for me to lose, to start screaming and swearing but I never did.   My doctor seems really keen on the breaking the water option, but she gave us time to decided.  A just wanted to keep things going, I was really nervous STILL about the whole "forcing it" thing, so we were having some trouble.  Our amazing nurse Cindy ( who was now on her 2 shift with us) helped us, talked us through the options the goods and bads without revealing any opinion.  It really helped to look at all the options with no bias.  We decided to go ahead and have the doctor break my water.  The one stipulation both I and my doctor added to this was that I had to get the epidural....

The anesthesiologist came in and A left, at our hospital the make the husbands leave because they are more trouble than help.  Cindy stayed with me and talked me through alot of it, but I was inconsolable.  My doctors had to use baby needles on me until I was in my early 20's because I hate needles so much.  When I would have to have blood drawn during my pregnancy I had to make sure the appointment was when A could come with me because I couldn't do it on my own (well, by the end I was able to do one on my own but...still)  So the fact that I knew they were coming at me with a needle the size of my arm was not something I was ok with.  They had to try 3 times to place the epidural. 3 times, in and out, because she couldn't find a space between my discs to get it into my spinal cord.  I almost vomited when she told me that  and said, I don't need to know the details (well, said through my hysterical crying and snotting all over the wonderful nurse Cindy).  That was the WORST 30 minutes of my whole pregnancy, but not because of the pain, but because I got myself so worked up about it I couldn't calm down.  A came back, smelling like food of course, which, if I hadn't wanted to just lay down and go to sleep would have really ticked me off.  However, whoever invented the epidural is and AMAZING human being.  It was awesome.  I couldn't feel a thing!!  Oh, happy day!  So I slept until the next morning with my little drug button cuddled up next to me.

They came in around 8 am to check me again, and I had finally made it to about 7 cms.  So we were getting there.  I smiled and tried to relax, having heard that once you get to this stage it can really start to go fast so I was hoping it would be over soon and I would have my little man.  Then the doctor turned to me and said that my heart rate was up and that was sometimes and indication of infection.  She wanted to do a c-section and get the baby out before an infection could set in.  I started crying and agreed, if it was what needed to happen to keep my little one safe then do it.  I was exhausted and upset because I really wanted to avoid a c-section, but actually kind of excited because the end was in sight. 

So the doctor that was on from my practice that day was scheduled to do a hysterectomy 30 mins later and they didn't want to wait to get N out so my doctor that had been with me all day the day before, cancelled her office appointments to come back to the hospital and do my surgery.  At about 9:15am they came in and gave me the spinal block, luckily no more needles because I already had the epi in.  The at about 9:40 I was in the OR.  From here I feel like it was an out of body experience for me.  I could feel the pressure of them working on the other side of the curtain but felt no pain.  A was sitting right by my head talking to me and calming me down, I was crying and exhausted.  Finally they pushed N out and I heard his little cry, it was so beautiful, and I just wanted to see him more!  A minute later the nurse brought a little bundle around the curtain and there he was.  My perfect little boy.  I just wanted to hold him but I couldn't because I was still on the table.  But they set him next to me and A and cried together at how amazing he was.  Then we had to decide on the name :-).

Then he was swept away.  A got to go with him to the nursery while they finished up with me, and wheeled me off to the room to sleep and recover from the drugs...

After that it's just the standard story. Once I had recovered from the drugs I got to hold my precious little guy.  Nothing mattered once he was in my arms, it was the most amazing feeling in the world.  I couldn't believe that we had created such perfection.

Since that day (those days) I've thought about the whole process a few times.  However, hearing about C pushing yesterday somehow brought it all back up.  I once read someone saying something about mourning their vaginal birth.  I don't think I ever did that but I do see what they were saying.  For so long you imagine it happening one way....your water breaks or your contractions start... you go to the hospital....things progress and then they say it's time to push.  Not long after you have your little bundle in your arms and all is perfect with the world.  When it doesn't happen that way it's like losing something, and when I hear about others whose deliveries went as planned, I can't help but be a little bit jealous. 

That being said I am SOOOOO thrilled that C and her husband S have finally been able to meet their little baby girl.  I remember those first 2 days and how amazing they were and I hope that they are enjoying every moment.   I couldn't be happier to finally have a baby GIRL in the friendfamily.   We already have 2 boys, my N and my friend T&P's son A and a girl just makes it perfect. 

Now,  just a few days until we find out what S&M (hehehe) will have.... #4 is already on the way.

What language was I speaking??

I don't know what language it was but something I said meant something very different to my husband than it did to me.  I mentioned in my Magical Mystery Plower post that last week I got stuck in the snow.  It sucked, and I did eventually get out after some tears, scary moments, and swearing.  However, it got me thinking.  That day, A and I had decided he was going to take my car since he was going into the city where there was less snow and that he would leave me the Jeep with 4WD.  However, he left for work and couldn't make it out of the neighboorhood in the Jetta.  So he came back and took the Jeep. I ended up getting stuck later as you know.  I got to thinking that day that since he travels so much, this is not an OK situation.  What if something were to happen and I needed to get to the hospital with N?  What if I hadn't been able to get unstuck and I couldn't pick N up at daycare?  Now, hopefully we won't get any more big snows this year, but we might.  It makes me really nervous.  So I mentioned to A that it's really important that I have a car that has 4WD (meaning either I drive the Jeep, or snowtires for the Jetta, or something!)

Now we've had the Jetta for almost 5 years, so it's ALMOST paid off. It's actually my car from before we got married.  We leased the Jeep 3 years ago (with me kicking and screaming because I HATE leases, but he insisted and has now learned his lesson).  So we are almost done with the lease and we're just planning on buying the Jeep to avoid paying the mileage overage and because if we don't we're screwed.  We WILL NOT lease again, and if we turn it in we've basically just lost all our money. Also, A and I always agreed that we would take turns getting new vehicles.  So technically it's my turn.

So I get N down for a nap today and I come into the living room to find A eonline, looking at new SUV's, talking to his brother about paying off the lease payments early so that he can get a new car, googling Cadillacs and Acuras and talking about keeping the Jetta.  Wait...what?  How does KEEPING the Jetta and getting rid of the only 4WD car we have make sense for what we were talking about?  I just want to make sure that I can get out in case of emergency.  I did not mean that we should get a new car.  If we were to get a new car why would we get rid of the one that we have that can drive in the snow?  Wouldn't we be left with the same issue of having only one car that can get us off the mountain in the snow (Did I mention we basically live on a mountain?  Really is a VERY large hill but whatev)?  What language was I speaking when I said "I just need to be able to get out in the snow" that translated into "You can get a new car, even though you screwed us with the lease and we really don't need a new car (and it's my turn to get a new car).  Oh, by the way, lets get one that we can't really afford as well, like a Cadillac, because we planted those money trees last year, so come spring we'll be rich!"  I'd really like to know so I can learn this language and make sure that next time what I'm saying translates properly.

Now, I'm not picking on A, because I'm sure that there are times when he says things that I translate differently as well.  For example, when he says, "I totally agree" I hear, "I have no idea what you just said to me because I was watching ESPN/Emailing/Texting.  However, I know that I have the best chance of getting away with not paying any attention to you by agreeing with whatever it is you say, and I'll deal with the consequences later."   SO I know that he is not totally to blame, and it's not like I'm angry, he didn't go out and BUY a Cadillac without asking me or anything (which my Dad did once, but that's another story) so it's not that big a deal. I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that can teach me the language...anyone?

Wife of a Frequent Flyer...

Once again I have been a blog slacker but I swear I have an excuse this week.  N got his 4 month shots on Tuesday and has had his cranky pants on ever since.  He also has a cold which isn't helping anything.  Plus, once again, A was out of town from Tuesday to Friday.  So overall I've been pretty distracted with taking care of N and everything around the house.  Not only do I have to do my "chores" but I have to do A's as well. Now, I'm certainly not a feminist but I'm not from the 1950's either.  However, there are certain things that I feel are my husband's job, or are husbandy type chores.  This is probably because I don't like or feel like doing them myself when he's home, but that's a whole additional topic.

So as you already know, A travels for work.  He travels ALOT.  This month so far he has been gone 12 out of the 19 days.  This week as I was doing one of those so called "husband" chores (lugging 40lb bags of wood pellets from the garage to the pellet stove) I got to thinking about, well, independence.  There are a few people who read this blog, that if you asked them in 2003 if I could run a household and raise a child, they probably would have laughed until they cried.  Lets just say that in college and a few years afterward I was not the most responsible person (and lets leave it at that ladies, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).  ::ahem:: Sorry.  So anyway I was thinking about two things 1.) How much I have matured (tooting my own horn I know but if you knew me before, really, it's impossible not to notice) and 2.) How independent I am.  Both of these things I would attribute to A and his being away.  I know that seems weird.  Usually when you are in a relationship they influence your lives by being there and you grow together.  With A and I though, our whole relationship has been apart!  We met and he deployed to Iraq for 9 months.  A year later we got engaged and then he deployed to Afghanistan for a year.  6 months after he got back we got married and he moved to NY without me to train for his new job (not army, thank god) then I moved to NY and he started traveling for his job.  So our relationship made me grow in a different way than most.

Since I have been with him, I have become more independent. That may, again, seem kind of weird, but for me it has been a good thing.  I do things I never thought I would do, not because I couldn't but because I didn't think I'd have to (having a man around to do it and all) .  Like lugging 40lb bags of wood pellets in for the pellet stove, so that we have heat in the house. Like shoveling the driveway and sidewalk.  Unclogging drains and killing spiders (although that I still have MAJOR issues with).  Dealing with alot of the issues alot of married women would say, "I'll just let him deal with it", but also the everyday stuff a "wife" would usually deal with, and the stuff that's normally shared! When he's here, he does alot, and I'm not saying I wouldn't love to be able to share, or to ask him to do things.  I would LOVE to, but since he's not here I have no choice.  Now, I have to throw in that I, by no means, am comparing myself to a single mother, or to a military parent going through a deployment.  Those two groups have my utmost respect and I would never venture to compare.  However, I do get a strange sense of satisfaction from knowing that, should anything happen to A, or to our relationship (which I pray never does and don't expect to) I could do this on my own.  I don't NEED him for anything.  The only reason I need him, is because I love him and it would break my heart to have to live without him.

I think that for me, the old addage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.  I mentioned in an earlier post that having N in daycare has made me appreciate my time with him even more.  Well, I think that my time apart from A not only makes me appreciate my time with him, it has made me appreciate my own strength.  Something that just a few years ago, I didn't have, but thanks to A, I found.  I may not always show my appreciation to him, for helping me become who I am, but I should.  Without A, god only knows where I'd be right now!

So looking back over this post it seems alot like I'm either just rambling or I'm bragging or I'm just weird.  I don't really know what the point of the post is, other than that I took a moment to be proud of myself and my life this week. I think it's something that everyone should do from time to time.  Look around, appreciate yourself, your family, and your life because if you don't, you'll spend your life looking forward and miss where you are right now.

Magical Mystery Plower!

So let me preface this by saying that A and I bought and moved into our house in CT in April last year.  Until that I had lived in apartments, A had a house, but it was in NC so, not so much snow.  So shoveling our new almost tenth of a mile driveway was not something we were looking forward to.

Fast forward to the first snowfall of the year.  We got about 3 or 4 inches.  At the time I was still on maternity leave so I didn't mind it so much, since we didn't have anywhere to go.  A was out of town and I was debating whether or not I could leave the snow until A got home so I didn't have to shovel.  About an hour later I came downstairs from changing N's diaper and putting him down for a nap and I saw something amazing...the driveway was plowed!!  The magical mystery plower had come while I was upstairs and cleared the driveway for us.  It was like Christmas come early!  But, who was it?  Was it the A**hole across the street feeling sorry for the mommy and new baby?  Was it someone from the town who did it by accident?  Who was it? 

I figured we'd never know, thanked my lucky stars then went about my day.  Until the next snowfall came. I noticed it during N's 5 am feeding and I thought, it won't happen twice, and of course it won't happen this time because we have a pediatrician appointment at 1.   I finished feeding N, resigned myself to the possibility of having to shovel, and decided to sleep for a few more hours if N would let me. 

I woke up at 8:00 am to hear N playing in his crib.  I looked outside and saw that it was STILL snowing.  We were up to, again, about 3 inches and I thought, oh crap.  Looks like I'm shoveling.  So I got up, got N up and fed and changed then thought about the logistics of how I was going to do this with a 2.5 month old.  Should I wait till he napped then use the superpowerful monitor we bought?  Should I bundle him up and put him in the carrier?  What to do?  When, I looked outside and realized...wait for it...the magical mystery plower had struck again!!  I nearly jumped for joy!  I didn't have to plow after all.  Whoever this amazing person was they had now plowed our driveway twice out of the goodness of their hearts.  It was awesome.

I told A about this and he is much more skeptical than I am.  I think it's magic, he thinks its ridiculous and somethings going on.  The next time it snowed, A was home.  I told him, you wait and see!  You won't have to shovel at all.  Of course he is much more motivated than I am and goes out to start shoveling after a couple inches have fallen to "get ahead of it". As he's out shoveling a truck pulls into the driveway to plow!  A walks up to the guy and the guy says "Keith?"  (which is obviously not A's name) and they started talking.  Turns out the family before us had hired him to plow for them and then never told him they were moving.  So A talked to him, then talked to me, and we decided that since A travels and I have N it would be much easier if we hired him to continue plowing.  I was psyched!

We then left CT for 3 weeks to go visit my family for Christmas.  When we came back I was back to work and N was in daycare so it was even more important for him to plow.  About a week after we got home, we got our first January snowfall.  It started around 7am so there really wasn't anything when I dropped N off at daycare.  I came home to work and noticed that it started getting worse.  Around 4 inches and 2:30 pm I noticed that our magical plowman hadn't come yet.  I had to pick N up around 5 so I figured, no biggy, he'll come.  4:30 hits and still no plow.  I decided to call him and he, very rudely said, "Yeah, I'm on my way.  I do Ridgefield first."  then hung up.  Wow, ok, thanks.  So I managed to get my car out, went and picked up N and stopped by the pharmacy then by the time I got home it was plowed.    Ok, whatever.  So it started snowing at 7 am and he didn't come until 5:15ish.  No biggy, I'm sure it was just a fluke.

So it started snowing last night.   He didn't come overnight, but we only had about 2 inches when we woke up.  A took N to daycare, then ran some errands.  He came home and took the one car with 4WD to the airport for work.  He tried to take my car but couldn't get up the street because the city plows were taking too long and at this point we had about 4 inches and it was still going strong.  We, N and I, had two doctors appointments today.  One for him and one for me.  I left about 15 minutes after A and thought, Oh, I'll just go down the hill instead of the way he went and it won't be an issue.  He had called and told me the main roads were good.    So I got my snowboots on, got in the car to go to daycare and pick N up and I turn out of the driveway and down the hill.  I make it to the bottom, and that's about it.  I sit there.  For 20 minutes.  I cried a little (taking sick time is a PITA for me, so I really didn't want to have to reschedule this)  I screamed a little.  I panicked a little.  I called USAA roadside assistance. They were going to send someone to pull me out of the snow. I called the doctor and daycare to let them know I wasn't coming.  Then I got out and tried to use my scraper to dig a little around the tires and see if I could get some traction and get going.  I did it! I had to do this three times before I got out of our neighborhood, but,  I got out, got N. Called the doctor and begged for my appointment back, thank god I got it, and off we went!  Made it through the appointments, the headed home!

At this point it's been snowing for about 21 hours?  We're at about 6 inches.  I was extremely relieved when we got home because the town had plowed the streets so I made it home.  Turned into the driveway and...yup, that's right.  No plowman.  He's supposed to come every 2 inches. I tried to get my little front wheel drive Jetta up the driveway but no dice.  N is sleeping in the back, but is going to be HUNGRY when he wakes up and probably angry since he got his 4 month shots today.  I'm already pissed and I run up to the garage, grab the shovel and start shoveling.  I ended up shoveling about 3/4 of the driveway and got the car into the garage, while checking on N every 5 minutes to make sure he wasn't in the car screaming for food.  Also, during my angry shoveling, A called from the airport to check on us.  He got quite the earful I will tell you. I was screaming about snow and plowing and the town and the a**hole we hired.  I had to call back later and apologize. Needless to say, my magical mystery plower now has a new nickname, which I can't share on the internet, and is NOT getting paid for showing up to plow at 5:45 this afternoon!!! 5:45 PM.  Almost 24 hours after it started snowing!  WTF.  Mr. Plowman - YOU'RE SO FIRED. 

Sigh.  Looks like my arms and back are going to be getting a workout! Does that mean that I get to keep eating lots of cookies??  Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

Wait, what's today again? Valentines? Really?

Oh.  I forgot.  We totally ignored the whole day, completely unintentionally!  A installed the new door from the house to the garage and I hung out with N all day.  Then we had breakfast for dinner.  Pancakes and bacon to be exact. It was delish!  Now A is sleeping on the couch next to me and I'm watching the Olympics, and blogging.

When I started my blog, it was weeks like this that I was worried about.  Days where nothing happend that I feel anyone would ever care about.  I've actually written three paragraphs and deleted them.  1.) about cleaning. 2.) about last v-day and 3.) about N being fussy.  Really.  I've got nothing.  It sucks for writing a blog.

I realize though, that I've been really happy this week.  That even though nothing blogworthy happened, I just had a nice week.  I had a nice few days with N during the snow. I cleaned on Friday and A came home that evening. Yesterday was his birthday but we had already celebrated last weekend.  C and N came to visit and it was awesome to see them and hang out.  We went to lunch and had fun just hanging out.  We don't get to do it that often, so it was awesome. Then yesterday evening we just relaxed, hung out with N, watched the Olympics.  This whole week has felt good.  I feel like my life is finally settling in.  I love our little family, I love watching A play with N.  He is such a proud and loving dad.  I love snuggling with N and making him smile and laugh.  I love life right now.  I realize that all those years ago when I was a kid and in HS, this is what I imagined it would be like.  Maybe I'm not doing the job I thought I would be and to be honest, A is not at all what I pictured for a husband when I was younger. Maybe we're not near my family like I thought we would be, we're not really geograpically where I thought I would be at all. Despite all that, the love and family and the home we have created are what I always dreamed of.

So I guess I haven't completely ignored Valentines day.  I may not have chocolates and breakfast in bed but I have more love than one day can handle.  Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Snow Day!!

So, thanks to daycare closing, N and I are enjoying a snow day! Right now we have about 5
 inches of snow, nothing compared to DC, Baltimore, Southern Jersey, but we're supposed to get clobbered later. Being home today, alone with N has made me realize how much I do really miss being home with him. T, my friend I mentioned in an earlier post, mentioned that this is how she felt with her son in DC. She missed him. I didn't really feel that way. Not that I didn't want him around, or I don't enjoy my time with him, but I was enjoying being back to work and having time to get things done without him (grocery shopping is way easier while he's at DC). Weekends A is home so I have to share N. But today I get my happy little snuggly man all to myself, and I realized that I do miss it a little bit. I miss having time to play with him, snuggling with him for his naps if I want to and just hanging out with him. He is just soo much fun. He's so happy. Now that he's becoming mobile he gets so excited when I put him on the floor and he sees a toy. It might take him 10 minutes to move 3 feet but he does it and he gets his toy! It's so fun to watch him grow and explore and I feel like I miss alot of that with daycare. I guess life is all about balance. For me daycare and work helps with that balance and as everyone says Happy Mommy, Happy Baby.  I don't think I could be a stay at home mom because I need work to give me that balance, that time to be me, not just N's mom. But I do have to send a little shoutout to mother nature for giving me days like today where I get to be a Stay at home mom, even if it's just for a little bit.

Slackage...

Yeah, I know, I'm a slacker.  I haven't blogged since Friday (and that was a bitchy post!).  In my defense though, we had a rough weekend.  It had nothing to do with N.  As usual he was a dream.  Thank god, because Sunday I thought I was going to die.  We went out for A's 30th birthday celebration in NYC.  It wasn't his actual birthday, its the 13th.  Since that's the Saturday of Valentines weekend we figured that we'd have a better chance of getting everyone together the weekend before.  We went to a restaurant called Quality Meats in the Columbus Circle area and spent RIDICULOUS amounts of money.   It was soooo worth it though.  I could probably do a whole post about what we ate but that would just make me hungry so I'm not going to do that.  I'm not going to talk about the food.  Ok, maybe I'll just mention the fried baby artichoke hearts. OMG. So yummy!!  And the crab cakes...and the corn creme brulee...and the homemade coffee and donuts ice cream for dessert.  Ok.  I'm done....and hungry...sigh.

Anyway, after dinner we all went out to Lounge 48 on 48th.  I have to say that this was the point where I started thinking about college.  1. We never went anywhere that classy when I actually had the stamina to enjoy it.  2.  Where did my energy go?  In college I could go out from Wednesday to Sunday, not come home until breakfast time, with no problem.  Now, the clock hits 10:30 and I'm done for the day!  I wish I could blame it on N, but I saw it coming long before that.  Slowly my bedtime has gotten earlier and earlier.  I was DD that night, obviously, so A could drink as much as he wanted (he is turning old for heaven's sake).  As we got in the car at 2:30 am I tried to remember that last time I saw 2:30 and it wasn't to feed N, or to give him his paci, or to change his diaper.  I couldn't remember.  That's sad.  We arrive home at 4 am to find my MIL up with N.  He was good for them all night but woke up at 3 and didn't want to go back to sleep.  So I snuggled my little man to sleep and then went to sleep myself.  Then woke up at 5 to feed him.  Then was up for the day at 8:30.  The IL's hung around to do super bowl food (before the super bowl :-) ) and left around 4:30 to head home to NJ.  It was nice having them around because A and I were SOOO tired I don't think we could have entertained N.   Then it was back to work Monday.  I think I'm still recovering.  8 years ago, I'd already be drinking again...or at least planning to drink again.

Did I mention that Saturday was N's 4 month birthday?  I can't believe he is 4 months already!  It's crazy.  I remember the snuggly little bug I had for the first couple weeks.  Since then he's been nothing but energy.  Last week he rolled back to front and now he can't stop doing it.  The problem is I don't think it's intentional.  He's playing on his mat, rolls over and smiles for a minute then looks at me like WTF and starts crying!  Dude, a.) you know how to roll the other way, you've been doing that for a month now and b.)  You did it!  If you don't want to be on your tummy don't roll over!  It cracks me up.  He's also started doing the army crawl.  You know with just the arms.  I can't leave him alone ANYWHERE anymore.  The other day I put him on his playmat so I could run the to restroom, I came out and he was half way across the room almost under the coffee table!  I can't believe he's mobile already.  It's ridiculous.  It's awesome.  It's scary. 

I guess that's life as a Mom though right? Exhausting, ridiculous and a little scary, but always awesome.

Quick while he's in the shower!!

I love A, but sometimes he drives me NUTS!  He's only been home for like 4 hours but he already found a way to infuriate me.  So, I got a little behind on the laundry this week because of work (I actually had to work!) so today I had some time where I wasn't teaching and I could put some loads in.  SO, so far today I've done 4 loads of laundry.  There was one in the washer, one in the dryer, and two more in the laundry room (yes, that's 8 loads total.  8.  WTF)  So, I figured I'd wait for tomorrow to do the two in the laundry room. I'd just finish up what was already started and then do the rest tomorrow.  A goes into the laundry room, trying to be helpful and here is the conversation that followed between him in the laundry room and I in the living room.:

::ahem::

A: What's dirty in here?
L: Don't worry about starting another load, I want to give the septic a break so I'll do the rest tomorrow.
A: Ok. I was going to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.
L: Oh, alright
A: So what's dirty?
L: Why?  Just bring the stuff that's in the dryer in here and move the stuff from the washer.
A: But what's dirty?

OK, I have to take a time out at this point and say it took all I had not to scream WTF does it matter????  Why do you keep asking me that F'ing question!! Instead:

L:  It's all dirty. Just bring the stuff from the dryer in here and move the stuff from the washer.
A: Why are are you getting mad at me?
L: Because I  don't understand what the problem is.

At this point, A goes up stairs for a minute.  Comes back down and says:

A: Where are all the baskets?
L: There are two right here filled with clean folded clothes and one in the laundry room filled with dirty.

A walks into the laundry room again.

A: So all this is dirty?
L: *gets up walks into the laundry room and says, not so nicely* YES.  It's all dirty.  WHY???
A:  I just wanted a basket to carry the stuff from the dryer into the living room so I didn't have to ball it up and wrinkle it, and I didn't want to mix it with the dirty clothes.
L: *stares at him blankly, takes a deep breath*  I'm going to fold it right away so it won't wrinkle just put it on the couch for me. *walks away*

So, here's my question (s)...

1.  Why didn't he just say that to start?  If instead of asking me 345,000,0000,000 times what was dirty, he just asked me if there was a basket he could use, we could have avoided all of this.  Is there some sort of gene that keeps men from just getting to the point??

2.  Is there a way I can keep my son from getting this gene, or having the gene fully develop??  I would like to keep him from becoming this way if possible, to save whoever he ends up spending his life with alot of frustration...

Oh shit..there he is...BYE!

Friendly cyber-faces

So I officially know that I'm not talking to myself.  I'm ok with that because I know the people I told, won't hold anything I say against me.  Plus, I have nothing bad to say about any of them!  My friend T however, did mention that she hoped I talked about the transition to daycare.  T has a 7 (gasp, really??) month old son as well so she knows what it's like.  So, I thought it was a good topic, especially since our first couple weeks at daycare were quite eventful...

I don't feel like there was really a transition to daycare.  It was more like the time I got pushed into the deep end without my swimmies.  The first two weeks I felt like I was drowning for many reasons, and I have just recently reached the surface and can breathe again.  SO, here we go....

Two days BD (Before Daycare....)

My mother and I drove 12 (or what turned into 14.5) hours from South Carolina where they live to my house, with N.  We had been there for 3 weeks over christmas visiting my family and it was awesome.  So we arrived at home, A waiting patiently for us with pizza and wine.

One day BD

I spent the entire day playing with N, deciding what cute outfit he was going to wear to DC, which was not easy because we were kind of between sizes at that point, and as usual, doing laundry.  I put him down and he slept through the night as usual, unlike his mother.  I was up at least 13 times, thinking of all the things I HAD to tell them at DC or things that I forgot to put in the bag to bring.

D-Day

I woke up early, I had a full day of work scheduled, which I was really grateful for.  That way I was distracted.  So I got up and picked up my smiling boy from his crib.  Fed him and cuddled with him for a bit, then reluctantly got up and started dressing him.  I put on the cute little coordinated outfit that I had picked out for him, which he then proceeded to puke all over.  It was OK though!  I knew my little man and had planned for this, I took out the backup outfit and RE dressed him.  Finally ready to go, I took him downstairs I grabbed the bags, there were multiple, and strapped him into the car, and off we went!  It's only a five minute (or less) drive to the center so we got there and Laura, the director met me at the door.  They must have had some REALLY emotional moms because she was handling me like I was a mental patient who could be set off at any minute.  "So we're going to go back here.  Look, I'm putting his car seat just here, not to worry.  This is his crib, look I'm putting his blankie, and his paci, and his ellie (stuffed elephant lovey thingy) right here..."  I almost smacked her.  This was the point though, where I looked around the room at the three women and had a revelation.  They do this ALL THE TIME.  Why should I be worried about them taking care of my child?  This is their job, it's what they've done for years!!  In the hospital they trusted me with a newborn and I had NO CLUE what I was doing.  So very calmly I handed N to Bella, the DC teacher and she put him in the excersaucer.  He was so happy and started playing immediately.  I looked at Laura and said "I need to go NOW" and I kissed him and walked out of the room.  I didn't look back, he was happy, I wrote Laura the check and then I walked out.  I just walked out.  I knew if I didn't I would never make it out of there...

Fast forward 2 days post DC

A is out of town.  N is at daycare and has been a dream. The teachers tell me what a great baby he is.  He's taking the bottles like a champ and is always happy.  I'm in the middle of teaching a class and....hm...that's not right... All of a sudden I am throwing up constantly.  It is 3 in the afternoon and I have to pick N up at DC.  I'm in a good spot, I feel a little better so I get in the car.  I get there I get N all strapped in, I'm on my way out to the car aaaaaand...yup!  That's right folks, I puked in the parking lot.  The director and everyone else picking up their kids saw me.  I'm now the chick that puked in the parking lot.  I felt better drove home and thanked god that I have such a good kid because I spent the rest of the night throwing up.  N was a dream, nursed when I wasn't nauseous, played himself to sleep, and slept through the night. I was naseous all the next day as well...

Fast forward to 4 days post DC
N, has a cold.  I have NO CHOICE but to take him to DC.  3 other parents are there as I'm telling them that he was up all night coughing and snotting.  Awesome.  Now I'm not just the puking mom, I'm the shitty one that gets everyone elses kids sick. 

Two days later, I too, am sick.  Sick as a dog, and once again, A is out of town.  He has been gone ALOT lately and he feels so bad about it but he really has perfect timing.  He's always gone when we're really in the shit around here.  I was sick until about 4 days ago. 

So for the first two weeks, not only am I starting a new job at my company, trying to impress a new boss, sick (whether its puking or coughing or snotting) and to top it off, trying to pump enough to feed N at DC.  Which is way more stressful than one would think.  Especially when I'm teaching a class online, trying to pump at the same time (because there is NO other time) and using a blanket to mute the sound of the pump so the people in my class don't ask what that weird noise in the background is.

So, the TRANSITION to DC has been interesting.  In a way I think these past couple weeks have made my personal transition alot easier, because I didn't have the time or energy during the day to do anything but get done what I needed to get done.  I didn't have time to worry, or call and check, and we both survived.  They have also taught me alot:

1. Never, ever plan an outfit for an infant.  It's not worth the energy and they will puke, poop, or just drool all over it.
2. No matter how sick you are, as a mother, it is amazing the strength you have when it comes to your child. Somehow, puking my guts out, I still manage to choke down an entire pitcher of water so I can keep feeding him, change his diaper, get him in bed, get him out of bed in the morning and ready for another day at DC.
3. No matter how sick you are, as a mother, it is amazing the strength ONE little smile from your child can give you
4.Single parents and military families are the most incredible people in the world.  I have enough trouble being a part time "single" parent.  I can't imaging doing it full time.
5. Daycare is truly an awesome thing.  I have learned to appreciate my time with my son more, I have learned to appreciate myself more and I have learned to trust other people.  I am not the only person that can take care of N.

I am however, the person who is the best at it ;-)

I warned them!

I have found one of the hidden benefits of daycare. When I got up this morning and changed N's diaper I realized that he hadn't pooped since Monday. He didn't seem too upset about it, slept almost through the night (4am) as usual and was peeing a ton and eating fine so I wasn't too worried. When I took him to day care I warned them that he may have a blowout since it had been so long. They smiled and said oh, that's fine... Now, I feel like as a daycare teacher you should have learned a few lessons over the years.

Lesson 1: never, ever underestimate the power of poop

When I went to pick up N after work, I noticed he was in a new outfit so I got really excited. As a side note I must say I never thought I would get excited about my child pooping all over himself. So when I noticed the new outfit I said to N "Did you have an accident?" and both daycare ladies looked at me like I was nuts. One says, "if I had waited another second to pick him up off my lap I would have had to go home and shower and change" the other, joking of course, says "I almost called 911, it just wouldn't stop coming!" Apparently, he had started pooping and there was so much that it was POURING out the legs of the diaper. Of course the whole time he is laughing. I apologized profusely, as I did feel bad, but secretly I was thinking, better you than me!! Hence the hidden benefits! When your kid poops EVERYWHERE, it's a.) Not in your house (on your carpet, couch, bed, etc.) and b.) You don't have to clean it up!

As a final note though, please remember not to forget about karma. It will get you. It will get you when you go to put the clothes they pooped all over in the washer, and accidentally stick your hand into a pool of poop.

First post...

The name of this blog pretty much sums up my life since N. N is my 4 month old son and since I had him I don't go anywhere without a pacifier in my pocket. Because of this I have washed my sons paci's in the washing machine more times than I can count. I have randomly pulled a paci out of my pocket at the weirdest times: while grocery shopping, at church, at a work conference, at costco, at the doctors and so on. I have also sat on a pacifier more times than I would like to share. They may be small but man are they uncomfortable.

So as I pulled another pacifier out of my pocket before getting into the shower this morning I got to thinking. Along with all these pacifiers, N has added alot more chaos to our life. I haven't told anyone about this, so really, right now, I'm talking to myself. That is not something new for me. I talked to myself long before N, but this is the first time I've done it online for the world to see.

So, for those that don't know me, a quick into. I live in CT with N and my husband A. A travels alot for work, so it tends to be just me and N quite a bit. N is my favorite person in the world. Don't get me wrong, I love A, and my family and friends, but my son is tops. Have you ever heard the saying "trick baby"? It means the baby that is so good, he/she tricks you into have another. N is an awesome baby. He has done his job as the trick baby, as I would like 2 more eventually. For now, we are having tons of fun with N.

While the blog is about life with N, it's also about my life in general. As I said A is away alot, and I'm a social being by nature so you will be hearing about way more than just N. I'm already 4 months behind on blogging about N, but don't worry, I'll have you caught up in no time.

So I'm signing off for now but I'll update soon. I apologize if this is a little awkward, but the first time always is :-).