Freaked the fvck out!

So I've been pumping since I went back to work.  Same diet, same times, same beverage intake, same everything.  All of a sudden this week my supply has TANKED.  Now, by no means do I have a low supply.  I'm usually still able to get at least 3 ozs per pump and most of the time around 5.  Up until now though I was doing the same 3 pumps/day and getting 6-8 ozs per pump!  So to drop to 3-5 sucks.  N eats 7 oz bottles, so I'm freaking out about keeping up.  We're planning on starting at least one bottle of formula soon, because we want to wean him around 6 months.  Mostly for my sanity.  I'll be happy if I can make it the 6 months and that's that. 

It has been so ingrained in me though that BFing is best that I started to freak out when my supply started to drop earlier this week!  I literally started going over my diet, my lifestyle, N's schedule, my schedule, etc.  Everything.  I went out and bought everything that's recommended to increase supply, oatmeal, Mother's Milk Tea, Fenugreek, etc.  I have no idea if they will work because it hasn't even been a week, but we'll see.  Either way, earlier today I was looking at Kellymom.com and found reasons your supply can drop.  I went through all of them and none of them fit.  There was only one that I wasn't sure about.... pregnancy.  It said clear as day "Pregnancy can cause your supply to drop because of the hormones".  I immediately thought, Fvck No.  I am NOT ready to be PG again and if I am, I'm going to throw a shit fit (and of course be excited, but the shit fit will come first).  Now, I became even more convinced that I was PG because I haven't had a cycle yet because of breastfeeding so I have NO idea if I've ovulated.  I'm on the mini-pill which is not the most reliable bc and I was peeing constantly.  Ok, seriously, If I had really thought about it the most I could be was 4 weeks preggo, but once I get something in my head, I'm so always rational. So within an hour of reading this information I was in a full out freak out.

So I called A who was at work and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on the way home.  He laughed at me but indulged me and picked up a digital test. As soon as he walked through the door I handed N to him, grabbed the CVS bag and ran into the bathroom.  I POAS(pee on a stick) and then sit there and wait.  The whole time A is looking at me like I'm nuts.  I should probably add that we have done "it" a handful of times since I had N (getting back on the horse has not been easy for me mentally or physically) so it was definitely unlikely that I would be pg but I couldn't think of anything else that would cause this issue with my milk supply! 

After what seemed like a million minutes later it came up and said "NOT PREGNANT".  I smiled and looked at N and said "OH thank GOD!  I'm so not ready for another one of you yet!" He laughed like he understood and I relaxed a little and enjoyed the rest of the evening.

I want 2 more kids. I am NOT however ready for the next one just yet.  I need time to feel like a normal human being again. I need my boobs back.  I need to get my mind back.  I need to get my sex life back. I need to have at least one night to go out and get completely plastered.  I know that sounds so totally selfish but it's true, those are the things I need before I'll be ready to get pg again...oh, well and I guess there are the non-selfish things too, like having enough money etc. 

I'll worry about my milk later.  If my supply rebounds awesome, if not we start formula a couple weeks earlier than expected.  As long as N gets the nutrition he needs and is happy and healthy, I don't care if it's formula or bm, but like I said I'll worry about it later.

For now, I'm celebrating my big fat negative with a big fat glass of wine.  Cheers!